Depression has different looks and triggers. But it is always real and scary. For me, depression is a bottomless pit where my thoughts are clouded. I can’t even manage basic math on bad days. It is a rabbit hole I often get stuck in where I convince myself I am a worthless parent, a crappy business partner, and a total fraud of a doula.
It is a place where my tears appear, but so does my smile.
There isn’t a gray cloud over me or sadness written all over my face. Instead, I hide it because if you ask me what is wrong, I will break.
Anxiety makes things worse. I sing in the car on the way home, park the car and then all of a sudden tears are falling from my eyes, and I can’t breathe. I see my family through the window having dinner or watching TV. The thought of having to go in and act ok and kiss them all and hug them and listen to everyone complain about their day is just too much. Being needed when I can’t even breathe is too much. It feels as if an elephant is on my chest while I gasp for air. Pain fills me as my heart and head ache. I want it to stop, make it stop…but it doesn’t.
A lot of people think Depression isn’t real.
That is one of the main reasons I never speak about it. They think I am just sad or overwhelmed and I’ll be ok after I get some sleep. They ask how to make it better or what they did wrong. And that causes an even worse trigger of anxiety and a tidal wave of guilt.
My first experience with depression was immediately following my daughter’s birth. I got hit so hard I couldn’t get up. My mom and sister would literally pull my shirt up and latch my baby for me because I couldn’t even stay awake. She would have died because I could not cope. And no one knew what to do, and I got no professional help, so I spiraled for years completely out of control.
Here are some lessons I have learned through my years of struggling with depression.
You need to talk about the root of the problem or what is triggering your depression. Talking to a non-professional might make your depression worse. A professional will slowly unwrap the underline reason for your depression. Sometimes I know my immediate trigger, but getting unwrapped from the root takes professional help.
Therapy has allowed me to understand that my depression is triggered when I feel alone. Which sounds crazy because I am never physically alone. But I think so many moms can relate to this feeling of loneliness.
Therapy is not a process that happens overnight.
You don’t go to one session and become magically healed. You work hard, you open up, and you cry. You let it all out and feel the pain again. The aching, the heartbreak, and the things you try to hide. I’ve been going to therapy for years, and just a few days ago I discovered I have a cognitive distortion also known as, Disqualifying the Positive. I am still learning about this and how to change the way I view myself and things around me. The point is, therapy is a process. Discovering your disorders or other issues is only part one of therapy. The second part is learning about it, facing it, and working on it.
It is not easy to tell people about your depression.
Talking about depression is not easy especially when you have to deal with closed minded people who think it’s all in your head. I’ve been there and it’s frustrating. My therapist taught me that what people think of you does not define you. Ignorance is bliss. I’ve learned to save my energy and put it toward helping myself instead of proving things to people.
Be prepared to be blamed.
When someone closest to me found out about my depression, they blamed me. It was my fault I felt lonely because I keep things to myself even when asked if I’m ok. That hurt! Imagine someone putting alcohol on an open wound. When I finally had the courage to speak about it, I got a negative response. I wanted to shut down as I’ve always done in the past. I am learning that if I want different results, I must act differently.
You are not to blame for your depression!
Talk about it with other people who can relate.
No, this is not the time to throw a pity party! Don’t look for people who are drowning in their own sorrow. Talk to people who are comfortable talking about their depression. Talk to people who have been trying to help themselves. You can still talk about depression without it being gloomy and sad.
We can talk about our pain without feeling it, it is possible.
Change your environment too! I had to let some friends go because they were enabling and triggering me. I also had to force myself to do things again that I loved and connect with friends who are good for me.
